Ch-ch-ch-changes! - The Funny Thing About Cancer
 
Change is the theme of the month for the Ericson clan.

First up, we're moving to Iowa.  It's official.  I got my offer for a new job in Des Moines with my company, so we're picking up and moving south.  Not as far south as I would like (I want to go someplace with no snow), but at least it's not the frigid tundra of Minnesota.  So I will very soon be in the midst of the "sell my current house while shopping for my new house" craziness.  Luckily my mom is a good listener.

Another change is that very soon, Chris will be out of the Army and be a "stay at home dad" (aka hunting for a new job).  He's in the process of getting his physical and all that jazz.  This whole out processing thing is very different/difficult when you don't live on a military post, so he's figuring it out as he goes along.  At this point, he's very excited to be a civilian and start looking around for a new job.

So very soon, Chris and I will actually live together as husband and wife again.  Which means it's good that we're moving so we can get a bigger house :)  We're both a little apprehensive about learning to live together again.  Like all married couples, we occasionally get annoyed with one another and look forward to having a little time away from each other.  Which will obviously be more difficult when we live together full time.  So here is our current joke:

Me: So when I need some time away from you, can I just say "I think you need to go away now."
Chris:  That might be a bit harsh.  Maybe you should say something like "I think I'm going to go sew for a few hours."
Me:  OK.  That works.  But you don't really have any hobbies at home... so what will you say when you want some time alone?
Chris:  I'll say, "Honey, I think you need to go sew for a few hours."

Lucky for my husband I have a good sense of humor :)

Changes like these are both exciting and terrifying for me.  I actually love change.  I generally flourish under change.  I look forward to a new house, a new town, new friends, new challenges in a new job and even re-learning how to live with my spouse again (in the military we have a fancy term for it: re-integration). 

The funny part is that I used to always worry about change.  I used to FREAK out when Chris and I were slated to move.  I never had enough info about the move.  I never had enough warning.  I just used to STRESS and play the "what-if" game.  But now, I stress alot less.  I'm sure I'll get freaked out in the middle of it all... but for now I'm cautiously excited.

But I'm also a little terrified.  The last time we had big changes, like the deployment, my new job, our pregnancy... I got cancer.  The rug was totally yanked out from under me and it's taken awhile for me to find my feet again. 

So what if something like that happens again?  I'm not sure I'm even scared of cancer right now because I feel so freaking amazing right now.  But I kind of feel like I'm about to go on a beach vacation and I'm secretly afraid a shark is going to bite someone's leg off.  It's totally ridiculous... but until all the change is over I feel like a little voice in my head will be saying "watch out for the shark... he's out there somewhere just under the surface."

The upside of this ridiculous fear (I'm an optimist at heart) is that I'm not even a little worried about all the little things I know will go wrong.  I know something will break.  Something will get lost.  Something will go wrong.  It always, always does.  But you know what?  That's OK.  We'll survive it.  We might cry (likely Caleb will cry more than a little... he hates change) but we'll pick ourselves up the next day and find more laughter.

And I guess that is the mixed blessing and curse of a life changing event like cancer.  There will always, ALWAYS be the fear.  The constant voice in the back of your head saying "beware...".  Some days, heck most days, the voice is easy to ignore.  But occasionally it eats your brain and makes you crazy. 

On the other hand, that presence of that voice reminds you that if no one is dying, then everything is OK.  Maybe not perfect, but that's OK too. 

So here is to change!  It's exciting, terrifying and crazy all at the same time, but if everyone is healthy and nothing
8/22/2013 12:07:06 am

That shark swims in my head too. I hope the excitement of it all overshadows the shark. Good luck!

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