Devastation - The Funny Thing About Cancer
 
This post isn't funny.

I'm about to share more devastating news and it sucks.  I'm so tired of bad news.

We lost the baby.

Those 4 words make me cry every time I have to repeat them.  Out of all the crazy sh*t that life has thrown my way, this is hands down the most devastating and awful news I have ever recieved.

This is like the cancer news times a million, except I can't find a funny side or a silver lining.  With cancer, there is a course of action, a treatment, a fix. 

There is nothing that will ever fix this, just pain.

I have so many emotions that run through me on a daily basis that I can't even begin to describe them.  Anger, sadness, confusion, and hurt are just a few.

I'm struggling with this on such a deep level.  This baby was my light at the end of long, hard, dark tunnel of treatment and now I've lost that light.  To quote a friend of mine, I want to shake my fist at God and ask WHY!?!  Why me?  Why now?  What did I ever do to deserve this?

The one blessing I have in my life right now is my husband.  Due to the surgery 2 weeks ago, Chris was approved for 2 weeks of emergency R&R.  We found out a week after he arrived that the baby was gone and I crumbled.  He's been my strength and my support through all this.  I cannot fathom how much worse this would've been without him here.  I thank God daily for that.

Please pray for me, for us.  Pray for peace.  Pray for strength.  Pray for my faith.  Pray that God will heal this giant hole in my heart.  Pray that God will keep my baby close to him.  And most of all, pray for blessings.  Pray that God will bless me with good health and a long life to enjoy all that he has already provided me with and that on my darkest days, I am still able to appreciate those blessings. 

I know I've already asked for your prayers, but I ask for one more thing.  If you do see me, please do not bring this up.  The pain is too fresh, too hard and I really hate crying in front of an audience.  In time, I hope I will be able to discuss this, but right now, I just can't.  If you wish to express your condolences, please do so here.  Know that I will read every word written and take it to heart, I just need to do it on my own schedule and on my own time.

Thank you all so much for your support.  It does brighten my day.  Every funny story and every good word makes me smile and those smiles make me stronger.  Thank you.
laura
1/13/2011 07:33:12 am

i've been reading your blogs & wanted to let you know, down in atlanta i am praying for you...

now for something to make you smile for a moment... day 4 of being snowed in. in atlanta! because of the sleet after the snow, there is a hard layer of ice on top of the snow so when tex goes out he can stand for a second before sinking into the 4 inches of snow. did you know that your old flame has such an adversion to snow?

ok, that probably isn't the rolling on the floor laughter that you are looking for right now but it is my current entertainment.

girlie, i miss you! my heart aches for you...

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Amanda
1/13/2011 07:45:51 am

Oh Cyn, I'm so very sorry. I can't imagine the pain you are now going through. I am even more thankful that Chris is/was able to be home with you. I love you very much and I am praying for you, for your heart, for strength, for your will, all the time.

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1/13/2011 05:39:16 pm

Cynthia,
My heart aches at your news. Praying for you and your family, that God would wrap you with comfort and love.

Our church in Butler has set aside tomorrow as a day to pray for those we know affected with cancer. I will be remembering you especially.

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Kellie
1/13/2011 09:01:17 pm

Hi Cynthia.

I know we have not seen or spoken to each other since high school and when I stumbled across your blog my heart ached for you. I read your prayer and wanted to share a couple scriptures with you.

"Let Him have all your worries and cares, for He is always thinking about you and watching everything that concerns you." ~ 1 Peter 5:7

"Dear brothers (and sisters), is your life full of difficulties and temptations? Then be happy, for when the way is rough, your patience has a chance to grow. So let it grow, and don't try to squirm out of your problems. For when your patience is finally in full bloom, then you will be ready for anything, strong in character, full and complete." ~ James 1:2-4

I will keep you in my prayers.

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Katie Vasquez
2/16/2011 09:39:10 am

Cynthia,

I just wanted to take a few minutes to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Our mutal friend Beth L. told me about your diagnosis and this blog site. I read through many of your posts. You have such an amazing spirit!

When I came to this one, my heart just ached for you. I don't think there is any way to understand why these kinds of things happen, but I do pray that somehow you will find strength and faith.

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