I'm about to share more devastating news and it sucks. I'm so tired of bad news.
We lost the baby.
Those 4 words make me cry every time I have to repeat them. Out of all the crazy sh*t that life has thrown my way, this is hands down the most devastating and awful news I have ever recieved.
This is like the cancer news times a million, except I can't find a funny side or a silver lining. With cancer, there is a course of action, a treatment, a fix.
There is nothing that will ever fix this, just pain.
I have so many emotions that run through me on a daily basis that I can't even begin to describe them. Anger, sadness, confusion, and hurt are just a few.
I'm struggling with this on such a deep level. This baby was my light at the end of long, hard, dark tunnel of treatment and now I've lost that light. To quote a friend of mine, I want to shake my fist at God and ask WHY!?! Why me? Why now? What did I ever do to deserve this?
The one blessing I have in my life right now is my husband. Due to the surgery 2 weeks ago, Chris was approved for 2 weeks of emergency R&R. We found out a week after he arrived that the baby was gone and I crumbled. He's been my strength and my support through all this. I cannot fathom how much worse this would've been without him here. I thank God daily for that.
Please pray for me, for us. Pray for peace. Pray for strength. Pray for my faith. Pray that God will heal this giant hole in my heart. Pray that God will keep my baby close to him. And most of all, pray for blessings. Pray that God will bless me with good health and a long life to enjoy all that he has already provided me with and that on my darkest days, I am still able to appreciate those blessings.
I know I've already asked for your prayers, but I ask for one more thing. If you do see me, please do not bring this up. The pain is too fresh, too hard and I really hate crying in front of an audience. In time, I hope I will be able to discuss this, but right now, I just can't. If you wish to express your condolences, please do so here. Know that I will read every word written and take it to heart, I just need to do it on my own schedule and on my own time.
Thank you all so much for your support. It does brighten my day. Every funny story and every good word makes me smile and those smiles make me stronger. Thank you.