Crazy Cones - The Funny Thing About Cancer
Blog readers, I warn you, there will probably be no rhyme or reason to my blog topics. 

This blog will be thoroughly dependant upon my moods and the things I find funny.

And today, what I find funny is the state of my boobs.  Apologies to family members that find picturing my breasts wierd.  But as this whole blog IS about breast cancer, so you better get used to it!

Anywho, back when I was at the tender age of 23 and working my first job after college, my boss introduced me to a phrase that I had never heard before. 

"Crazy Cones"

In case you weren't aware, my first job after college was at Marshall Field's (now part of Macy's).  I worked in the buying office for the junior's department of a large department store.  This translates to working with almost all women with a sprinkling of gay men.  Let's just say that when you get that many women together, lunchtime conversations revolve around things that most heterosexual men would be horrified to know their wives discuss in public.

This particular lunchtime conversation was shortly after my boss had announced she was pregnant.  I think we were discussing breast feeding versus formula.  She said she was hoping to breast feed, but that her biggest fear was ending up with "crazy cones.  You know, kind of like a lazy eye..." and she then used her fingers to indicate nipples that were pointed in totally different directions.

As a vain 23 year old that had absolutely no comprehension of pregnancy/motherhood, I was all "that really happens?!?!?!?!  I'm SOOOO not breastfeeding!"

What?!?  I was young, dumb and probably pretty obnoxious.

Fast forward to present day.  Post pregnancy but pre-surgery, my boobs weren't exactly what they used to be.  I mean had a ROCKIN rack when I was younger (and yes, I'm darn proud of it.  But no, I will not post photos).  Motherhood definitely changed that, not quite as perky as they used to be, but nothing to be ashamed of.

However, a lumpectomy has done for me what motherhood and breastfeeding combined failed to do, I now have the infamous crazy cones.


Here's how that realization went:  I finished surgery, finally got home after a 1.5 hour drive, went to the bathroom (because man, having an IV makes you have to pee ALL THE TIME), and was washing my hands when I looked into the mirror. 

I wasn't wearing a bra so there was nothing to hide the complete unevenness of my breasts.  One nipple was pointing forward (the one I had surgery on) and the other was like an inch lower and pointing to the left.

I laughed at the shock of it.  Not sure what I expected them to look like... I guess I just hadn't even thought much about it.

And then I laughed some more. 

My mom was like "what the heck are you laughing about?"  I walked out and pointed out that I wasn't exactly even and we chuckled some more. 

I now refer to one boob as "the perky one", which is the one that I had surgery on.  Seriously the surgeon must be a magician because if you took away the scar, my boob looks GREAT!  This breast probably comes in at a full B or a small C.

The other boob is "the not so perky one".  I think it weighs in at a full C or a small D cup and doesn't exactly point forward anymore.

Let's just say this makes shopping for bras difficult.

To be totally honest, this really doesn't bother me in the least.  Maybe it's because a mere year ago, my boobs were simply feeders for my child.  Or maybe it's because I now view my breasts as traitors (they're aiding and abetting CANCER!).  Or maybe it's because I know in a few months, I'll be getting a whole new rock star set. 

Now all I can do is think back to my old boss and her reference to "crazy cones" and chuckle.

I've also come up with some rather awful jokes that center around my boobs:

    I could be like the old sign posts you see in movies.  Just put me on a corner, write "Baton Rouge 500 miles" on one breast and "Philadelphia 200 miles" on the other and I'd probably be pretty accurate (although this might result in some car accidents).

    If I were a stripper, I'd really confuse my customers.  It's like a lazy eye, they wouldn't know which one to look at.  

OK... bad jokes I know, but they do make me laugh and laugher is the best medicine (or so they say).  If you come up with any other good ones, shoot them my way and I'll add it to the repitoire for all the doctors I have to show my boobies to in the upcoming months :)
1/18/2011 03:35:48 pm

Would you like me to mail you my set of chicken breast? You know what I'm referring to, right? Stan chewed off one of the nipples forever ago, but if you would use them to help fill out the bra until you get your new rack you would only need the one! Evil cat, between chewing on a fake breast, the underwear wearing, and butter licking that cat has done... If only I could have caught it all on camera!


Leave a Reply.