Envy - The Funny Thing About Cancer
 
Note: I'm travelling for work all week so I've decided to post this blog I wrote about 2 months ago.  This is a darker blog that I wrote during all the craziness that is cancer diagnosis + a miscarriage.  At the time, these emotions were overwhelming.  Now, they are still there, but in a much smaller way.  Writing this blog was a big piece of me understanding, accepting, and starting to move past some of these emotions.  The only reason I'm posting this is because I don't want this blog to paint cancer as all rainbows and laughs.  I want it to be honest.  And this is as honest as I can be. 

I can't say I'm usually an envious person. 

I love my life.  I feel incredibly blessed every day to have my loving husband, my beautiful child and my awesome job.  Generally, I've felt like, if anything, people should envy me, not the other way around.

But with the cancer and the miscarriage, my life has suddenly taken a turn into a whole unplanned and unexpected universe.

Today, I was supposed to be pregnant and complaining about it, but otherwise healthy.

Today, I was supposed to be joyfully awaiting the return of my husband with a big belly, picking out the paint colors for the new nursery and nesting.

But that just wasn't in God's plan for me... no matter how much I wish it had been.

I've accepted that and I'm really OK with it.  God has other plans for me.  God has other plans for my family.  And when we get where we're going, I'm certain we will be exactly where we need to be (as cliche as that sounds).

But occasionally, the envy seeps in.  I see friends that get to have what I now view as "simple" lives.  Lives without cancer.  Lives without chemo.  Lives that are going exactly as they planned them.

I guess that's what I envy:  The plan.

You see, I like to plan.  I like knowing what comes next.  And until this point in my life... my life has gone EXACTLY to plan.  When I was in high school and planning out my life (as the young tend to do), I planned on going to a great college (check!), meeting and falling in love with a great guy (check!), gettting married at 26 (check!), having a baby at 28 (CHECK!)... you see?

It was ALL IN THE PLAN.

And now it's not.

And now... I'm left without a plan. 

I don't know what comes next.  And, holy shit, THAT IS SCARY!

I'm left planning only 1 month ahead and have so many questions about the future that I'm afraid to think about.  Will we ever be able to have another child?  Will we be brave enough to try?  Will we be fortunate enough to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary?  Our 20th?

Just a few months ago, all of those things seemed a given.  We would have lots of babies.  We would both live til we were 80 and were wrinkly and still madly in love surrounded by a bajillion grandchildren who adored us for the loving, doting, spoiling grandparents we'd be. 

Pretty typical for a young-ish couple, right? 

But now, I ache for the days when I could dream those naive dreams and believe in them.

People my age should get to be naive.  They should be able to dream about that "perfect" future.  About where they will be in 10 years or in 50 years.  That is the beauty of being young, unlimited possibilities!  Please do not think I begrudge anyone my age their dreams.  As a matter of fact, I urge you to dream BIG!  Please enjoy that gift and many nothing ever steal that from you.

But that is what I envy.  I envy all those around me who can still dream.  Whose plans involve words like "forever" and "old". 

My plans involve "tomorrow", "next week" and maybe even "next month". 

Some day, I know I will dream again.  Some day I know I will be blessed enough to say the words "when we're old" and really believe them. 

But today is not one of those days. 
3/9/2011 06:11:18 am

Thanks for sharing this. Such a great reminder of life's preciousness, not to be taken for granted! Hope you're enjoying lazy nights in a hotel room and yummy restaurant foods!

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Mary
3/9/2011 06:36:48 am

I wish I could give you a hug Cynthia - Life will be beautiful again. Every spring I think - this is the prettiest spring ever and I really think so. Few folks can say that!!

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